Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm done holding back

Today I realized something that I've never really thought about before. I usually think I'm a pretty strong person, but in all reality I'm a scaredy cat. 

I'm afraid to be myself because I've been rejected before. I'm afraid to love my boyfriend because of a former heartbreak. I'm afraid to stick up for myself just because it's to someone close. I'm afraid to make more Lovebots because they haven't been selling.
I'm pretty much afraid of everything.

All these things are so twisted in my mind that it's really outrageous I'm afraid of them. 
The people who have rejected me for who I am are just assholes. Pardon my french but that's just how it is. I've been rejected by close minded, over opinionated people and I let it get to my heart.

I'm afraid to love William and let William love me because of a former heartbreak. A heartbreak I didn't even cause and it actually helped me grow. I was rejected by someone I shouldn't even have been with, someone I don't even care about anymore and yet I am dumb enough to let it affect a beautiful budding relationship.

I'm afraid to stick up for myself because I'm so used to letting these people have their way. But in reality I'm an adult now and I'm allowed to do whatever I want and face my own. consequences. I'm allowed to tell them my life is none of their business and yet I don't.

As for the Lovebots, I can't believe I let selling get to me. I never even used to sew with the hopes of making a sale. I can't expect a real business to work if it relies solely my sales at one point in time. I need to remember to sew for me.

Now I suppose with this revelation it's time to grow and let things go. Let go the heartbreak, rejection, assholes, and bad sales. Time to be strong, confident (for once), and back to my old self.
Love and Turtledoves,

P.S. I'm done pretending I don't love William. Done saying I care about him instead of I really fucking love him when I talk about him. I'm done holding myself back from what I want. I want to be passionate again. Passionate about William, my business, school, and even blogging. 
I'm done holding back.


  1. Can I like this a million times? Just kidding, we're on blogspot. But honeslty Jaco, I love this. Just admitting your fears shows you strong of a woman you really are. You're eighteen and you're coming into your own and that is terrifying, but you're handling it so much better than any other young woman I've met. Be afraid, it's a good feeling to have, but you're also conquering that feeling and being incredible while doing it. You got this. I promise you do.

  2. This is the best kind of realization to have. I understand each and every one of these holding back complexes. I recently went through break up(like a week ago, ha) and my parents didn't understand why I was so upset because I never told them I loved him - I always used the term "care for". Because I was too afraid to admit it. This post gives me some hope :)


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